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03 May 2012 @ 10:38 am
May 03, 2012

   Wow. Hisashiburi da ne. It has been a long, long while since I updated my journal. Things have gone quite random ever since my last entry here. I might go into details, I might not. It all depends on my mood. What will be, will be.

   For the past few days, I notice that he's not being himself. He's become unusually passive and quiet. I'd ask him if something's bothering him but he would tell me that I shouldn't worry and that he's fine. He'd even reassure me that everything's really fine. I'd then smile and tell him that I believe him, while I do my best to convince myself too, that he's fine. That there's nothing that he's not telling me. But of course, I know myself too well. The feeling would always bug me. Try as I might, this nagging feeling won't go away. I'd also do my best to just divert my attention to something. To no avail.

   It was yesterday when he told me that he has this feeling that mom (his mom) might know about us. Mom doesn't know anything about us, you see. And so this scared me a lot (if you know what I mean). He reassured me yet again though, that everything will be fine and that I have nothing to be scared about. Then nothing from him for several hours until about 3 or 4 am when he told me that he'll see me tomorrow since his net pack is over. That's it.

   I don't know how to make out of things. I don't want to assume, yet I don't want to be stupid either. My intuition has never been wrong on things like these, ever. So yeah, I'm caught in the middle. I trust him, yes. But why do I feel that everything is about to end? Why do I feel that he's gonna break up with me? Why do I feel that in some way, our relationship has drifted apart?

   Fear. It gets to me even in my dreams. I had so much fear and sadness within me last night that I exploded from the inside. All I did was cry. I cried so hard and so long that I felt I couldn't breathe. I fell asleep crying. When I woke up, my eyes were tired and blood shot. Yet I still cried. It consumes me inside. And I know that eventually, this will destroy me.

   Amazing how I can love a person whom I've never really met before. He's a thousand miles away from me, a stranger from some distant country, yet I love him. I trusted my heart to him. And now the fear of losing him grips me, strangles me. If that day is going to indeed come, then God help me. I'd really need some major help from him.

   So I guess this is all I could muster. Not much for something I haven't done for long, but it's a start.


Tags: , ,
Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: gloomygloomy
Current Music: Furigana Rubi - Inoue Kazuhiko and Satoshi Seki
26 February 2012 @ 02:23 pm
February 26, 2012

   These past few days, I've been catching up with the Naruto Shippuden episodes I've missed. I remember the last episode I saw was the one that depicted Kakashi's death. I can still remember how I cried that time. Of course, Kakashi is my third favorite Naruto character, after all. From then on, I haven't really seen much of Naruto Shippuden, until last week.

   So Naruto defeated Pain all by himself. This guy, he's just as amazing as Hanamichi. In fact, he and Hanamichi have so much in common. They were at first regarded by a lot as 'losers' and 'pranksters'. But just as Hanamichi was the reason why Shohoku won against Ryonan, Naruto was the sole savior of Konohagakure against Pain. A lot of people died during Pain's attack on the village and yes, that included Kakashi. But Naruto was able to persuade Pain and was able to reverse the aftermath of the attack - the death of the villagers and numerous shinobi. Although the village itself wasn't restored to what it was before, at least the people are alive. I'm glad Kakashi is alive again.

   A lot of scenes is were Jiraiya was shown. I miss Ero-sennin and everything that he used to do. He was one of the greatest masters ever to have graced the ninja world.

   And so Pain was defeated. And now, Naruto goes back to finding Sasuke. A Five Kage Summit was held in the Land Of Iron for them to decide what to do with Sasuke, who is now known to have supported the Akatsuki. He was internationally declared as a wanted man and is being hunted down. All of his friends were worried. Ino cried a lot. Naruto's feeling were in a turmoil. But Gaara and Sai reminded him that he should do what a friend is supposed to do.

   I remember Gaara talking to Sasuke during the summit. He said that he knows what Sasuke is going through and he should see the light. Sasuke answered Gaara that he has closed his eyes long ago and he already chose the path to darkness. With this, Gaara's tears fell before he launched an attack on Sasuke.

   I guess Gaara had tears in his eyes because he considered Sasuke as is friend too, since he knows what the latter was going through. He also knew that Sasuke is so dear to Naruto, that he doesn't want to hurt the friend of the very person who changed his life.

   Maa, I still have a lot to catch up. There are 251 episodes for Naruto and I'm still at 209. I still have a long way to go.

   Ja ne!


Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: Diver - Nico Touches The Walls
14 February 2012 @ 12:22 pm
February 14, 2012
Exactly 2 Years Ago...Collapse )
   That was what transpired two years ago. Yes, it was February 14, 2010 when he professed his affection, his love for me, in the most unique way. With that proposal was the most beautiful poem I've ever set my eyes upon. It was entitled For You. In that poem, he expresses his gratitude that I came to his life, that we found each other.

   It was 2 years ago when I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was so devastated, I thought I could never ever live without him. It was during that time, too, that he professed his love to a certain girl but was rejected. The girl changed his life, according to him at that time. But the girl was firm on her decision seeing him as her brother and no more than that. The girl then stopped talking to him. He was so down. It was when we met each other. We became each others company. I was there to listen to everything he had to say. We talked about anything and everything under the sun. I would notice that he has this certain glow in him whenever he talked about that girl and I knew that he was in love, alright. Yes, I didn't see him face to face, but I knew that he was happy talking about that girl. His happiness though, was replaced by sadness all too soon. I'm sure he remembered the pain of that rejection. In my part, still, I tried my best to be there for him. I wasn't able to give him advise, but I was there to listen to him. He told me that he felt quite better. It was then I felt that our friendship became stronger.

   We told each other of our hobbies. I told him that I love writing, and he told me that he wrote poems. He even showed me one of his works - a poem he made for a certain friend. At that time, I knew that I've read that poem before since I made a visit on that person's profile even before he and I met. In return, I showed him one of my fanfics. I thought he'd be disgusted to know that I write yaoi, but to my surprise, he didn't. He even praised my work.

   The day came when he asked me if he can read my journal entries. I gave him permission and he quickly accessed the site. When he came back, he bombarded me with questions. The came his rants.

   "You know what? You're pathetic. That guy goes with another girl and when she ditches him, here's miss Denny who will welcome him in her arms. Don't you have any self respect at all?"

   His words hit home, so much that I told myself, He's right, Denny. What has gotten into you, anyway? Immediately that day, after I arrived home from work, I called my boyfriend at that time and told him that it's all over. I felt so light inside and I thanked him for saying the things he said. Had he not done that, I would've been a martyr until now.

   Our friendship became even deeper, through the days that we've been talking, I realized that he's such an amazing guy and that he has something special inside him. A certain admiration for him grew within me, but I told myself to stop. I knew that he will never like me. He's way beyond my league. But then he'll do amazing things that made me admire him even more. It was very hard but I was determined to stop it. February 12 when I told myself that I will make all my feelings for him vanished. Until the fateful day of February 13.

   We were having our usual conversation when all of a sudden, he said that he likes me. Few more conversations, then he told me that he's attracted to me. He then asked me to be his Valentine. Believe me, I was too stunned, but then I managed to say yes.

   February 14, 2010. He presented his Valentine gift to me, which was a poem that he made. This poem became so precious that it hangs now in my wall. Then came his proposal. It was one of the most blissful days ever, in my entire life.

   Today, we're celebrating our 2nd year together. Looking back, it seems only yesterday when he first proposed to me. But I know better. We've endured a lot of tears and laughter. Two years. Yes, it's young. But we will stand by each other throughout this relationship. I will never leave him. I will always be there to love and take care of him. That will never change anymore. And I pray to God that He may bless our relationship because He knows that I wanna be with Vineet forever.

   My beloved hubby, Happy 2nd Anniversary and at the same time, Happy Valentine's Day. You've given me the best 2 years a woman can ever dream of. I wanna be with you forever, grow old with you, have children with you, watch the sunset with you when we get old. Hope we can have 70+ more anniversaries together. I love you more than my life, babe. You will always be in my heart.

   I Love You.


Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: The Gift - Jim Brickman
08 February 2012 @ 09:37 pm
February 08, 2012

   A lot of things has happened. Just a lot.

   My bf and I already started to do video calls. Like the real thing, itself. Webcam and microphone, those sort of things. No one and I really mean no one can ever make us leave our laptops. For hours and hours, we're in front of it, talking to each other just about anything under the sun. In the process, I've learned so many things about him that I never really knew before. He felt the same too. Then there would be times, that we'll just stare at each other like hopeless romantics. It was such a fun activity and bonding moment between the 2 of us.

   Saturday, I got this headset with a microphone on. We did video calls all day. Came early Monday morning when this laptop of mine suddenly crashed and I almost lost everything. Of course the OS is still there, but with the hard drives unreadable, the thing's completely useless. I appeared calm but inside, I was scared as shit. Both my bf and I tried numerous things to get it back to normal. After several failed attempts, we decided to switch it back to a certain restore point. So I switched to safe mode, ran the chkdsk, did the system restore and restarted it on normal mode. Then voala! Everything's back.

   Or I guess I thought so.

   Some things are apparently missing, Skype won't work, the default display settings not working properly, device running noticeably slow, threats detected almost every other day, from the same file. I don't know what's going on with this thing. I would've restore it already to it's original factory state, but the system is asking for an OS disc, something which I don't really have. So I'm actually stuck with a device not functioning properly. I wish I can do something about it.

   Monday morning, at approximately 11am, Bacolod City was rocked with a 6.9 magnitude earthquake. The epicenter was felt in Dumaguete and Guihulngan, Negros Occidental. Roads were cracked open, buildings damaged, people missing, lives gone. It was a sad day for all of us. We thank God that there was no tsunami scare but after the first earthquake, we felt more aftershocks. To this date, more than a thousand aftershocks were felt. It was really scary, I, for one, have never felt an earthquake that strong in my entire life. Not to mention that the aftershocks were as strong as the main one, we feared for our lives. All of us were praying at that time. We prayed to God to keep us safe. Everyone was calling relatives and friends, asking if everything is alright. My bf was totally worried. Not just for me but for my entire family. Thank God Bacolod wasn't damaged nor any life was taken.

   Well, things aren't really all that bad. My best friend and I went out earlier and we went to this mall. We were strolling along a certain alley when instinctively I looked at one of the stores. First thing I noticed was Manchester United's logo on a certain soccer ball. Then I saw the rest of the items - Liverpool, Real Madrid and Inter Milan jerseys. It was then I realized that the store was a football merchandise store. I immediately rummaged for some Manchester United jerseys. I found one and I immediately exclaimed. It was then I realized too, that I didn't bring any cash with me. But then, my best friend was my savior. She bought the jersey for me, provided that I pay her whenever I can. Then she purchased the soccer ball, too - the one with the United crest on it. I was so happy because now, I have both the home and away jerseys, even if they were last season's. And now I didn't have to order those expensive items from a certain group in Facebook. We even planned to go to our university to play a little football there, but the weather didn't agree to it.

   Well, half good and half bad. Celebrate the good side and do something about the bad side. 

   God help us.


Tags: ,
Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: Goodbye To You - Michelle Branch
02 February 2012 @ 01:39 pm
February 02, 2012

   My beloved and I had a nice video chat last night. Once we were in front of our laptops, it was as if nothing else existed, for all we care.

   I really love whenever we get to do video chats. One, because I get to see his reaction. He reacts on everything I say, you see. Yes, even on the most nonsensical things. That's one of the things that I really admire about him. He always makes me feel that everything I say is of utter importance. Two, because I can see his contort from a teasing razz to a gentle smile to a sexy smirk and I really love it everytime he does that. He's got a sexy smile, yes. Mind you, a very sexy one. That smile never fails to make me blush. And three, because doing a video chat is just like having him right in front of me. Like he's really there with me.

   So last night, we had fun. We did so much things we were anticipating to do ever since (I won't go into detail, though). Until now, his smile is still freshly painted in my mind and I don't want it to vanish, ever. I wish I can always see him smile like that. Then of course, his epic teasing antics. He would tease me about one thing, do the 'bleh' expression then tease me more. God I'm sure I'll never have a dull time with him when we get together for real. He just has so many things up his sleeves.

   It may just be an ordinary video chat to anyone, but for me, it engraved something within my heart. Something so permanent that no one can ever take it away from me. And last night was when I realized that, I'd do anything just see that genuine smile on his face. I live for that smile. As long as I see him happy, I'm fine with it. I could care less about anything, but I always want to see him with that smile. As long as he smiles like that, I could be in heaven already. And I just wanna thank him for spending time with me last night. I know that he's tired and sleepy but he still managed to pull the sleepiness off just for me. I really appreciate every little gesture he does for me. I've never ever seen any guy care for his girl as much as he does. He's totally heaven sent.

   Speaking of heaven sent, 12 more days to go before our 2nd anniversary. Can you believe it? It'll be our 2nd anniversary already. And what do people say about long distance relationships not standing the test of time again? Well, we're your perfect example about the contrary. In your face, all of you (who said so).

   Baby, thank you so much for all the things you've done for me. I'll always be here for you. I'll never leave you. I love you babe.


Tags: , ,
Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: thankfulthankful
Current Music: God Gave Me You - Bryan White
26 January 2012 @ 05:49 pm
January 26, 2012

   And so it begins.

   Armed with sodium bicarbonate and maple syrup, I now march to my ultimate battle - the fight for my life. My mission is to kill one deadly adversary, so deadly that it is known to kill more and more people over the years. I am one of those people that it afflicted. And I swore to myself that while I'm still alive, I will do everything I can to kill it. A lot of people say that it's dangerous, yes. But I know better and I believe in myself.

   The deadly adversary that I'm talking about? Cancer.

   Yes. Cancer is not a modern disease. People have been afflicted by this dreaded illness for thousands of years. Until now, no cure has been found. That's what they thing.

   My front liners - sodium bicarbonate and maple syrup. Sodium bicarbonate is known to be one of the most alkaline things that has ever graced the earth. While cancer patients are known for their extreme acidic body pH. Yes, cancer thrives in an acidic environment. The body becomes acidic when it lacks oxygen to ferment glucose, thus turning to lactic acid for help. This makes cancer cells really happy. But no, in my system, their happy days are over.

   1 teaspoon of sodium bicarbonate plus 2 teaspoons of maple syrup. Honey, brown sugar and black strap molasses could be a good alternative as well. Better, in fact. Mixed in 1 cup of water makes it a powerful alkaline solution. Yes, I'm drinking it right now and I gotta tell you that the taste is awful. But that doesn't stop me from taking it, Nothing can.

   I've read a lot of testimonials from the internet those with terminal bone and prostate cancer are still alive and healthy after so many years because of this solution. They stated that at 7.5 pH, the cancer cells become dormant. By maintaining the body pH at 8 daily, the cancer cells die. Not to mention that making the body's pH alkaline makes it easier for oxygen to get into the body and pass on the nutrients to the normal blood cells, not the cancer cells. Cancer cells hate oxygen, you see. I'm looking to get into a simple Tai Chi program next week, for starters.

   So the war has began. And like what they say, God's creation - nature, is the most powerful weapon that one can wield, even more powerful than the deadliest army that walked this earth. And of course, this will never be possible if God and the people whom I love aren't with me. They're the ones who give me the strength and the determination to move on.

   I subscribed to another mobile broadband provider. Sun Cellular. Yes, the same as my cellular service. I tell you, this is way faster than Globe. I guess I should've just subscribed to Sun Cellular in the first place. But then, we have two internet connections now. Globe Broadband for the pc and Sun Cellular for my laptop. Come to think of it, Globe actually runs faster when connected on the pc, than connected on the laptop. Weird. Speaking of laptop, I also bought a carry case for it, in case I'd need to bring it somewhere. In pink, yeah you got it.

   I also bought a jade necklace with a little golden rabbit that spins inside it when it is moved. They say that jade brings good health and gold means good wealth. I also bought a matching jade bracelet and a rosequartz bracelet too. They say that rosequartz protects your relationship and maintains the harmony between lovers. Yes, I know that my bf and I don't need that stuff. Our love is the strongest thing in the world. But I don't know, it sounds silly but with this rosequartz, I feel closer to him than ever before. I even feel like I can protect him. 

   Or maybe it's just mind over matter. I'd still love him with the same intensity, charms or no charms.

   So it starts. Wish me luck you guys. See you around.

   Ja ne.


Current Location: my room
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Maybe - Sheryn Regis
22 January 2012 @ 03:12 pm
January 22, 2012

   Yesterday, I actually went to the clinic of one of my friends, Jay, who also happens to be the partner of George, a very good friend of mine. He actually had me and George expose to what we call Proton beams. The mattress, which is made of Proton beams, jade and other synergic stones, has been introduced by Tiens, a research development that deals with alternative medicine, the research of which dates back 5000 years ago by ancient Chinese, Indian, Russian and other European healers. We were exposed to the beams for an hour. I think I dozed off for 45 minutes. Usually, when I sleep for such a short period of time, I get all dizzy and groggy when I wake up. But not that time. I woke up and I felt like I slept for 12 hours. And to my surprise, I was sweating like nothing. My entire body was covered with sweat that I had to go to the washroom to dry myself off. It felt really, really great.

   Jay said that Proton beams have been proven to detoxify the body and eliminate unwanted elements. As a cancer patient, this is totally essential for me. Next week, together with my beloved mother and Jay's mother, we will form a detoxifying and cleansing program for me, together with this alkaline diet that I'm taking now.

   I'm researching for different facts about cancer and its causes. I'm going to write and article for it. A cure was found but was surprisingly suppressed and dismissed. Why? If this cure is made known to every cancer patient, all pharmaceutical companies, doctors (especially oncologists), hospitals and technicians will actually lose profit. This cure has no side effects and costs you around Php500 (roughly $100) a month. Now who in the world would want to spend hundreds and thousands of dollars for a treatment that attacks the cells alone and not the cause of the cells growing and spreading? All we need is the knowledge of the disease, how it starts and spreads, it's weakness and what will eventually cause it's demise. Again, modern medical methods and treatments such as chemotherapy, radiation and surgery attack the cells only and the causative agent of these cells thriving, spreading and growing. That's why they're only called 'treatment' and not 'cure'.

   When I revealed my condition to a friend who's half Filipino, half American, he told me that he has a lot of friends dealing with cancer back in the US. Most of them are females with terminal breast cancer. 7 out of 10 underwent surgery and chemotherapy. The remaining 3 opted for alternative and natural methods. Result? The women who opted for surgery and chemotherapy died a couple of years after the said treatments. The remaining 3 who chose alternative and natural methods are living out more than 20 years of their lives and all are cancer free.

   Being a cancer patient, it makes me want to stop in my tracks and think. We are all confident about the orthodox method that the medical industry has been giving up for years now. Chemotherapy, radiation and surgery (amputation, in my case) have been the most recommended cancer treatments so far. But do they really cure the disease? With the introduction of alternative medicine, one that has been studied by ancient sages not just in our own country but in hundreds of other countries too, is it worth it? Will such a cheap, alternative method cure such a dreaded disease that claims thousands of lives every year? In my case, is it worth it try our the alternative medicine and not to pursue amputation? Is it worth it to turn back from the orthodox method, which made us believe that cancer is incurable, and follow everything that these people who don't have medical degrees yet real life cancer experiences have declared?

   I say yes.

   Everything that I have researched so far makes sense. And it makes sense why I am so involved with this disease. God created our body in the most amazing way and without a doubt, our body is also marvelous and powerful enough to fight any disease it may encounter. Are man made medicines and methods even more powerful that what God has provided us? Hell, no. Every disease is curable as long as we have the knowledge on how to fight back and win the battle. I'm determined to win. No one and nothing, not even cancer, can stop me from winning the battle.

   "There is no such thing as an incurable illness. Only an incurable patient." - Vernon Johnston, prostate cancer survivor

   Indeed, cancer doesn't have to be a death sentence to anyone who was diagnosed with it. It never has to be.


Current Location: in my room
Current Mood: determineddetermined
Current Music: Vanilla Twilight - Owl City
16 January 2012 @ 12:54 pm
January 16, 2012

   What a fun filled night last night! Whew!

   The entire afternoon and evening was well spent together with my beloved. We had a video chat in the afternoon and bonded in the evening. I can still remember what he told me before the video chat - "Even I look terrible at the moment". Well, he didn't. In fact, he looks so handsome, dashing and hot that I could not take my eyes off the screen. The way he smiles and reacts to what I say, it really made my day brighter. It was so fun and even I couldn't stop smiling at his antics too. He looks really cute and I really wanna get through the screen just to kiss him.

   Then late in the evening, we took turns telling things we don't know about each other. He told me that he actually has this fascination about rivers, countries and numbers. As a kid, he said he used to be fascinated with everything curvy and would imagine that to be a river. He would scribble and draw curves and make that as a country, he'd draw bridges and even country borderlines. The comes his fascination with numbers. Everytime he sees a combination of numbers, he would then do something about it. He even showed me his own invented theorem about it! The guy is a total genius! Apart from that, he also told me that he sometimes imagines himself to be a trillionaire or a sportsman. The imagination of the guy, apart from his rationality, also works.

   I told him that someone who's good in Math and at the same time good in English is like the Bluish White Diamond - rare and highly valuable. So is the man who is practical yet let his emotional side work hand in hand with it. And yes, for me I have found my own Bluish White Diamond.

   I always want the world to know his brilliance and his amazing-ness. He deserves it, after all. The world could use another brilliant mind to make Earth a better place to live in. But he told me that he would prefer to keep it to myself. At first I was kind of gutted. I mean, why would he want to keep such a mind to himself. I mean, he can be famous one day. If put into proper use, he can make a difference in this world with his brilliance. He can also become a trillionaire with his mind, I swear. But he told me that he's a loner, he's always been one and he would like to keep it that way. I thought, at some point, he's right. I wouldn't let him do things he isn't comfortable with, just like he does to me. I also realized that, he really won't be successful if he does things that he doesn't really wanna do. So I gave it a rest and respected what he said. After all, he's all I care for.

   I really had so much fun after that. When I went to sleep, I recalled everything we did for the day and it again, brought a smile to my face. How blessed can I get, anyway? Here is a man who's very brilliant yet not calloused, a man who's very loving, respectful and caring to me and those he loves, a man so dashing and handsome, I can't take my eyes off him. He's a total package! But then, even if he weren't, I know I'd still love him, because I love him for no reason at all. I just do. 

  Ja ne!


Current Location: my room
Current Mood: jubilantjubilant
Current Music: Wo Nan Gou - 5566
14 January 2012 @ 04:16 pm
January 14, 2012

   I seriously thought it was over last night.

   I hurt him again and I hurt him big time, this time around. He was greatly hurt that he decided to stay away from me so that he could have time to think and heal. It really made me sad when he tried to do that, but he had to. It was my fault after all. 

   We were talking about something when I made him promise that he will still treat me the same way he does. When he asked me why would he not, I told him that my ex did not treat me well. He was dominant, very harsh and not gentle, He then got angry, saying that he couldn't believe that I practically compared him to my ex, who was a big asshole. I never really compared him. I just opened my heart out to him and told him that I'm scared.

   Then I knew what I did wrong. It was surely unfair of me to let him carry the burden of my past trauma. I shouldn't have said that because I know he's different from all the guys out there. I knew he loved me dearly. But then, the damage was done. He readily left without a word after our argument.

   The next day, I wasn't able to check my messages due to downtime on the internet connection. And when it came back at around 1 am, I saw no messages from him. Not even a single word. It was then I feared that maybe, just maybe, he already chose not to pursue our relationship. He must have quietly left with no intention of returning. I was about to deactivate my account (he's the only reason why I am on Facebook and so many other online accounts) when I saw one message from him. He told me that he was really hurt. I told him that I was sorry and also told him that it's ok if he can't find it in him to forgive me, I would understand. I was crying profusely at that time. In the end, he chose to forgive me.

   I was really happy, of course. And mind you, today is our 23rd monthsary. Yes, one more month and we are on our second year together. Time flies by really fast. It seemed only yesterday that we just knew each other. Yes, the moment my internet connection came back, I immediately greeted him a Happy 23rd Monthsary. He didn't greet me back, of course. He was still hurt, after all. The night ended and he never really greeted me back. Well, I thought that it was just fair enough. Since I hurt him, serves me right not to be greeted back on our monthsary. No hard feelings, really.

   He also told me that he is admin again of a football group in Facebook called Football Asylum. It's a group that he really loves so much, he used to devote most hours of his time in that group. I never objected anything, though. I'm happy seeing him having a splendid time in that group. He learns a lot of football related knowledge on that group and I'm happy that he's learning. Plus, being an admin, he's able to exercise his leadership skills. He used to tell me that he's actually a team player, but I know better. His leadership skills are way beyond excellent if you ask me. Yes, I admire and I trust him that much. That's why when he told me last night that he's admin again, I'm really happy for him.

   But that chance will cost us one thing - time. Our time for each other. The last time that he was an admin on that group, we spent less time for each other. Oh, I was always there, waiting for him. But since he had to monitor the group's activity, he needed to spend most of his time in the group instead of with me. I never complained. I saw him happy with what he's doing and that's enough for me. But he soon realized that too and he decided to step down as an admin. Since then, he enjoyed himself with being a member of the group - until last night.

   Realization dawned on me again. We're trying our best to catch up with each other since we're both working now, not to mention we're on opposite shifts. Time isn't really on our side. Now, the addition of his adminship will surely not help us. I don't know if we can even have time for each other now. But then his happiness radiated to me last night and I thought, I have no right to deny him his happiness. And besides, I never complained before, why should I now? His happiness is always my priority. As long as he's happy, then I'm contented. I love him more than I do myself, after all.

   As for me, well, I guess I have to look for some things that can make me busy. I can get back to my writing, perhaps. I can finish some of those fics I haven't finished and maybe make a new one. Oh, he knows very well that I'm always here when he needs me. He can always count on me. I won't leave him. Not now, not ever.

   I guess all these things happen for a reason. But one thing's clear in my head. I love him and I always will. Neither time nor distance nor hurt can make me give up on him.


Current Location: my room
Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: Makita Kang Muli
11 January 2012 @ 01:32 pm
January 11, 2012

   I was at the office earlier, only to file an SL. I didn't go home until 7 in the morning. So I just stayed there and watch a couple of movies.

   First one I watched was an Arnold Schwarzenegger film. I forgot the title but apparently it's all about people being cloned after they died, be it by disease or accidents or even murder. Arnold was cloned in this movie and that clone took over his life and his family. He was finding ways to stop the clones and from people being cloned. In the end, he discovered that he was the clone and the Arnold that he saw in his own house was the real one. So both of them tried to find ways to stop people from being cloned because for him, only God can decide who lives and who dies.

   Second movie was the movie of the infamous Megan Fox called Jennifer's Body. Die hard Megan Fox fans surely have seen this movie already. She played Jennifer, who was mistaken to be a virgin by some voodoo rock band. She was 'sacrificed to the demon of their town, Devil's Kettle. The demon was referred to the 'being' residing in the whirlpool of a waterfalls, where they said that when you throw things in the said whirlpool, it never resurfaces. Since the band, unfortunately, sacrificed a non-virgin, Jennifer woke up, after being stabbed and became different since then. She feeds on flesh to become beautiful. Man flesh, that is. She killed numerous guys, including her bestfriend's boyfriend. Her bestfriend took revenge on her and killed her when she was 'hungry', the time that she's weakest.

   Then there's this news that one of Indonesia's islands was rocked by a 7.3 magnitude of earthquake. Another tsunami fear hit us, of course, being that Indonesia is one of the nearest countries in the Philippines. And you know how a tsunami can be. It strikes a country, it strikes the neighboring countries too.

   I can't help but think. If people die, regardless if they have been murdered or ill, and cloning is possible, like that movie I saw, I'm sure no one will fear death anymore. I'm sure that we can face whatever odds and danger that are out there. No will fear about being murdered, or run over by a car or maybe even dying of a serious illness. We just ask the doctors to run a scan on our DNA, remove whatever degenerative disease it may be carrying, link it to our syncording and presto! We're alive again! We will never have to fear that someday, we might leave the ones we love. We can face death and say 'bring it on!'.

   But sadly, that isn't the case. And I began to think of myself.

   Cancer, the most dreaded degenerative disease there is out there. No cure has been found despite centuries of studying it. And sad to say, I have acquired that disease. We know what they always say about cancer - that death is certain. How wonderful it would be to die and just live again, if cloning is possible. I'd never have to fear about leaving my family and loved ones.

   But then, Arnold was right. It's God who decides who lives and who dies. It's our own perseverance that can prolong life no matter how threatening death may look like. In my case, I refuse to be taken. I refuse to lose and I refuse to give up. I'm still young and I know that with God's grace, I still have a whole new world ahead of me. Who knows? May be I may become an instrument of life to those who need it and faith for those who have lost it.

   Death is a part of life. We have no right to reproduce life, because we just can't. Life is in God's hands. That, I know fo certain. So screw cloning, that wouldn't have been me, anyway. ^_~

   Ja ne!


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